Groundhog Day

A wonderful day with some of my wonderful friends. 

I have had a great couple of weeks. I’ve attended two brilliant weddings in beautiful settings, listened to the music in the sun whilst it’s been out, and started to feel like I was getting back into the routine of work and normal life. These events bookended the unfortunate news from my previous CT scan which showed that there were signs cancer was present. No 15cm behemoths this time – lots of little tumours in my lungs and the lymph node in that area, the largest being 1.5cm. it was unclear whether or not this was a recurrence or a continuation of the growth of the tumours in the lung, although it was probable the former as it was in more sights. Chemo and then surgery was the proposed solution, but it was arranged that I have a PET scan to follow up as this give more of an indication of the disease spread. The results this afternoon confirmed that not only was the cancer back in my lungs, but probably more than originally thought. It also suggested a return of cancer near my liver in the surgical bed, which is an indication that all the cancer cells were not eliminated by surgery.

Because of this I am unable to have focused localised treatment on the lungs, such as surgery, and instead the disease needs to be treated systemically. The treatment options I’ve been given are to continue just taking mitotane (the fun medication that doubles as a plant fertiliser – who knows what poor brave soul volunteered for that trial) which, in some cases, can by itself stop the disease from growing. However, this is quite limited and there’s a high chance the disease will spread in the meantime. Otherwise, as well as the fertiliser, its back to my old friend chemotherapy. As the disease is in multiple places now and there is no particularly huge bulk to remove, surgery down the line is less likely – although not impossible.

I feel like I am back to square one. Metastatic disease of a difficult to treat and impossible to cure cancer, with some properly awful chemo drugs, although this time with one less kidney to filter out the toxins. The fact that it worked last time is obviously a positive as it means that at least there is history of my body responding to it in the past, but as the cancer has returned so quickly it suggests it may have built up some sort of tolerance to it so this time it is likely to be less effective, if at all. 

To say the news was a shock is probably not the right word, as this was always highly likely. But it’s a huge blow. I feel fine - minus a few minor side effects that are probably remnants of the chemotherapy, but easy to live with. Which is remarkable considering how full my medicine cabinet is and the side effects each drug comes with, and that I had major surgery only 4 months ago. My mind is clear. I look the same as I did this time last year, just with better skin, a less puffy face and a huge scar across my torso. I had hoped that this was my body’s way of telling me that things were back to normal for a while and I could have a break from treatment, focusing on enjoying the summer and staying healthy. Instead it seems likely that this summer, like the last, will be spent feeling like I’ve got a constant hangover, with the added bonuses of taste change and everything smelling awful. I’ve also learnt, as expected, that I when I’m bald I look less like Jason Statham and more like Dobby the house-elf.

I do not regret the treatment in any way, as I was told initially that without it (or if it didn’t work), due to the extent of the cancer, I would have probably around 6 months to live, and I’m almost at a year and counting. I’ve had a great year and consider myself lucky to have had this time. Last time, before treatment, I had a real decision to make about whether or not it would be worth doing. Not knowing how my body would handle it; would it be worth using up my previous remaining months feeling awful? At least this time, I feel like the decision is easier. I know what to expect, bar any horrible surprises, and I know that I had some wonderful times during it. But I do feel, quite frankly, sad. It is really horrible to feel like you are out the other side of a tragedy, even though you know it is just temporarily, to then be immediately thrown back into it. I also feel some element of anger this time, which I think was missing last time. I guess that shows the testosterone might be starting to work.

I spoke to my new therapist today, who I first met last week. Although he hides it well, behind plenty of sighing, I think he is delighted he keeps getting to speak to me roughly an hour after I receive bad news. The conversation was very similar the ones I was having last year – about life, meaning and mortality. We discussed purpose and that it was essential for someone to have it whilst going through life in order to feel fulfilled and content. I remember last year this is what really scared me when I was diagnosed. I was starting cancer treatment and felt quite hopeless, with the idea that having all of the things that had given me joy and purpose in the past stripped away from me. It was only when I started treatment last time when this went away. My purpose became having chemotherapy, with the means to staying alive. Possibly because I was in such a chemo-caused fog at the time, this alone was enough. It was enough to get me through a really horrible year, and to actually, in some sense, forget about cancer. Even as I was suffering physically and talked about it a lot, it somehow didn't get to me too much, so long as I didn't look more than a couple of months ahead. But when speaking about it today, it seemed quite sad that the main purpose I felt during that time was to just stay alive. Although I rarely felt sorry for myself and definitely made the most of the year, being treated for cancer took over my identity. I think it is an easy trap to fall in to but I want more to life., and to find feel purpose. This time, with a bit more knowledge of what to expect and less fear of the unknown, I will try to focus on learning how to do things a bit differently. 

Tonight though, I'm going to continue watching the Marvel films. Here is a photo of me racing on a big orange space hopper. 

I won.