Coughing my way through Covid

Back in the motherland

I’ve had a cough for around six months now. It was fairly innocuous - the kind of cough most people have in the UK in the winter. A few times it’s been a bit more than that; whilst I was in America in February I had a couple of days of pretty bad coughing fits, but thankfully they resolved themselves. Over time, though, the cough has got progressively worse. It is more consistent now and the fits have become more regular. My breathing has also become slightly more laboured. Occasionally there is a wheeze on the in breath. When I’m walking and have a brief spurt of heavy coughing, I feel eyes on me accusing me of not locking myself away. I would love for this to be a mild case of Covid (so long as it doesn’t get any worse of course), but I'm accepting that I am no longer asymptomatic. 

I’ve said previously that the disconnect between feeling fine whilst getting very negative scan results was something I was struggling with a lot, as it made my situation hard to properly accept.  I’m not going to lie and say that now that physical symptoms have started to manifest that it is a good thing. Although it is a relatively small symptom in the grand scheme of things - and possibly long overdue, considering how much tumour burden is in my lungs - it is really quite distressing. It is the simple things that I am having to adjust to that are getting to me. Walking up the 5 flights of stairs to my flat used to be something I’d recover from in half a minute without any trouble or worry. Yesterday when I did it I had to go straight onto the balcony as I was convinced I was never going to have enough oxygen in my lungs ever again. Speaking on the phone whilst I walk is becoming harder to do without coughing or having to catch my breath. My lung capacity to do anaerobic exercise is lower. These things add up to decrease my quality of life in the present. I have to accept that the level of exertion that I’m used to having might have to be lowered - walking and talking at the same time may be becoming a thing of the past. 

What worries me more is the future. How quickly will this progress? How long is it between feeling breathless after 20 pushups, as I do now, becomes needing to be attached to an oxygen machine in my flat for symptom control? Or going to a hospice? An added frustration is that when I’m meditating I now hear an extra noise, like I’m snoring on the in breath. It makes what should be a relaxing part of the day a constant reminder of my failing body. I know part of the whole point of mindfulness is to accept the present situation as the way it is, but that is easier said than done.

Hopefully, the many people who have complained about my snoring in the past will see the funny side that it’s no longer limited to sleeping. ‘Freight-train’ level snoring has been one of my more defining qualities but I think daytime snoring is really taking my game to the next level.

There are other symptoms that are easier not to dwell on. Fatigue comes and goes and doesn’t really impact my life too much and it's hard to evaluate in lockdown when the pace of life has slowed down. My weight has dropped a bit but that is more likely due to trying to eat an extremely healthy diet and seeing as a huge plate of broccoli and spinach equals about 10 calories, added to the fact that I’m culinarily illiterate, means getting daily calories is a struggle. Nothing a big bowl of pasta won’t solve - something I’ve lived my life by. I’m feeling slightly more anti-social than usual as well - probably just due to zoom overload, lockdown fatigue and seeing Boris Johnson bluster his way through each week means every other conversation is still about Covid and I am as fed up talking about it as everyone else. 

Considering I announced to the nation 6 weeks ago that I was about to die, the physical changes are moving more slowly than I expected. I’m approaching my ‘diagnosis’ 2 year anniversary in a couple of weeks - a highlight of my diary. I will find a way to celebrate in some form, probably by having a big plate of pasta, as I’ve already beaten the odds for someone in my position, which is closer to 18 months. Not wanting to tempt fate but I am quite hopeful that unless things take a turn for the worse, I will beat my oncologists ‘no chance of living a year’ prognosis from last July. Research frequently shows that having a reason to live for often leads to longer survival times, and can lead to radical remission on occasion. Putting my energy and focus into being able to let my oncologist know that I’m still here probably isn’t the ‘reason’ researchers were talking about but it is weirdly motivating. I think life being beautiful is enough motivation.

Otherwise, things have continued as before, pretty enjoyable and relaxed. I’ve been able to visit both my parents in the last few weeks which were the obvious highlights, timing the weather perfectly to spend time with them. My days are still flying by. I know others are getting bored right now but it just shows how perspective is everything - I have so much I want to do, see, read, watch and little time to do it. Next time you’re bored try thinking ‘if I had a few weeks to live, what would I want to do right now?’ and soon enough you''ll happily be watching the Bourne Trilogy again. It has made me wonder again if I’m using my time right. I’m looking into things like meditation, philosophy and that kind of thing a bit more than the average person might but other than that my free days now probably aren’t that different to how they would be if I wasn’t ill. Should I be watching this overly long documentary about the Vietnam War, or be reading the snippet of non-corona news that still exists, or focusing on making sure my plants are growing nice and strong like every other middle class Londoner? Or does the fact I have less time mean I should change how I spend my time? 

The most obvious productive thing that I've done in the last couple of months is the Guardian article. The impact of it was so much more than I could have hoped for. What was originally meant as me wanting to give a new perspective to people stuck inside (and also a large dose of vanity for wanting to be able to say I’m a published Guardian journalist whenever I feel like annoying people) turned into something so much more than that due to the response. The impact it clearly had on people really amazed me and I was overwhelmed by the hundreds of people who took the effort and to get in contact and write some amazing messages, some longer than the article, about how it’s helped them. I expected that it may resonate with some people going through something similar to me but the surprise was that it clicked with so many more who were struggling during lockdown, or just wanted to reach out to offer their support. I have written over the past two years how I found being a cancer patient left me feeling like there was a hole in my life and I was missing having a real purpose, as your identity gets stripped back and you are unsure what defines you. The article definitely helped fill that hole and whilst I hope it isn’t the most impactful thing that I’ve ever done in my life, it’s definitely the most wide-reaching. I’d love to do more along the same lines. Most of the follow ups that were offered were interviews that sounded like they would be pity pieces at the end of news reports that would get 60 seconds of airtime one night and wouldn’t lead to anything positive. Just another sad story during a sad time. 

I've always had a huge interest in charity and helping causes that do amazing work, which is especially important during this period when many organisations are facing huge issues to their funding from the knock on impact of the pandemic. I’m not sure how to focus this though. I dont think I'm up for running a marathon on my balcony and I'm worried my health will go downhill so I’m nervous about setting myself a target that I then can’t reach. Captain Tom has the ‘fund-walking’ corner of the market covered in any case (sidenote - why are more people not incensed that our government is cheering on a 100 years old war-vet raising money for the NHS after 10 years of austerity and cutting back the service? I try so hard to keep my personal/political views out of any writing but the Tory’s are making it really hard at the moment.) I'll probably spend some time over the next week looking to see if or how I can help make the world a better place.

Generally, I’m feeling happy and relaxed. Hopefully everyone reading this is staying positive as well.